There is little more joyful a thing than reuniting with family to get to express my innermost weird that only they truly understand. And probably don’t even like but this isn’t about them. It’s about me and I’m terrific just I am, even I said so myself!
I had the incredible gift of getting to spend my 32nd birthday with my sister-cuz Lizzy so I promptly planned a picnic and stuffed a piñata with mustaches in anticipation.
Oh the time we had! We laughed and frolicked and got upset about balloons together. We ate and walked and fashion showed every outfit option for every unnecessary thing we did. It was marvelous. She had a great time, even I said so myself!
There is nothing quite like family and I hold mine close and dear. I’m coming for you in June Hughes, Taylor, Mom and Dad. Where I shall only play it cool for the first hour.
Thank you all for being so wonderfully you.
I ran, I bathed, I groomed, I wrote. I scream sang at myself in the mirror, I danced like David wasn’t watching.
And then it came. And I arrived dressed as fierce as I knew how to. And I sat backstage with a dear friend. And we cheered eachother on. And we hyped eachother up.
Then the curtain finally drew, and the stage clacked under my steps, and the lights lit me up from the inside. And I was there.
I was the seagull. And it was marvelous.
Thank you to The Comedy Store and to the incredible audience that I got to be with last night.
How does one
unblock one’s tongue
whilst trying to write a page.
I am quite sure
hides only to enrage.
I sit humbly here
and call it near
and it acts as if teenage!
It giggles away
as if I’ve got all day
to coax it out onstage.
Radiolab has this mind-blowingly rad episode exploring the secret life of trees (http://www.radiolab.org/story/from-tree-to-shining-tree/). Research into the soil beneath has shown that trees actual communicate with one another. They pass along food, warn eachanother of fires or drought and if an elder tree is dying it will straight up sends its nutrition to the youngest tree on the block because holy shit you guys this world is incredible. Whaaaat??? The episode ends simply stating that the root system beneath our feet is undeniably similar to that of a brain.
Get. Out. Of. Town.
I think about that a lot, how much I can learn from trees. How they all survive because they are together, staying open, constant lines of give and take and communication. It’s just so awesome.
What if that is the secret to our own survival. What if I stop being the tree that can do everything on my own and start being a part of the forest. Noticing what is around me, who is around me, what are they doing, how are they doing? It makes me relax just thinking about it.
We are better because of each other. I myself am little without the lessons and laughter from my family in my heart, my cat who teaches me patience and love, my friends who teach me how to take a joke and show up on time, my partner who teaches me how to persevere and believe in myself, my community that teaches me to care… I am full because of all of those things, those people. They are who I am. I am not a tree, I am a part of the forest.
On the stage of my high school theater, Mr. Dragoo impressed John Dunne’s poetry upon us, having us recite daily from Devotions upon Emergent Occasions. Reminding us always to care for our fellows because our fellows are ourselves.
Gosh y’all. There are so many lessons right in front of me all the time, it is such a gift.
Thank you trees, thank you family, friends, Charlie, David. Thank you Radiolab, thank you Mr. Dragoo and thank you John Dunne.
“No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as any manner of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man’s death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.” -John Dunne Devotions upon Emergent Occasions 1624
“The most important thing a garden needs is the shadow of a gardener.” -Joanna Cannon The Trouble with Goats and Sheep
If there is anything I am picking up on in this little life of mine it is that it needs tending. It needs weeding and watering and appreciation daily, hourly, secondly! Life needs word play and silliness and laughter, friends, community and hands in dirt. I recently made a deal with myself that I was going to start waking up to shake hands with Time instead of just glimpsing its heal as it walks out the door. And I have done that. Good for me! Now to make good use of it.
I am yanking out the Would, Should, Want and Need-tos. Fuck those guys. I have walked around in a state of Shoulding for too long. As my dear friend Elisabeth says, “Don’t should on yourself” and I think I shan’t.
Yesterday was Mothers Day, and cool people were out in force. It started as sparkly and wonderful, a celebration of Moms all around me, then promptly took a turn towards painful as I passed one after another after another chic and successful lady my age flourishing in their own mega-cool self-made business. A rosy cheeked florist in a pleated vintage skirt wrapped raffia around whimsical peonies at a Mothers Day pop-up shop, a delicate brunette sat behind a typewriter tip tapping poetry for passers by, a comfortably dressed songstress smoothed out her hand-printed blanket for the next round of toddler music-enthusiasts to plop down upon like little listening potatoes.
My heart hurt. Not only was I away from my wonderful Mommy, I was empty handed. I have not been using, exploring, savoring the gifts of creativity she gave me. I had no poppies, no ream of whimsical words, no hand-printed throw, no song to sing. What the fuck Would’ve, Should’ve, and Want to? What a bunch of jerks.
So once again, fuck those guys. I am on an adventure in babysitting myself. Of bringing a tending shadow onto this possibly propitious garden plot of me and keeping it there. Kicking the Post-pones and Maybe-laters out the window and into the GD trash.
Hiyahs and hallelujahs! I AM NOW.
I grew up with a very close family. I saw my cousins so frequently they count as siblings. We ran around our childhood together making forts out of rusted planks and garden bricks, drowning each other in any body of water playing Shark and unabashedly ganging up together to take home every cake at every cake walk on every holiday. It. Was. Awesome.
Today I celebrate the golden light we got to grow up in and how damned much I love you guys. To the ripped denim jorts of summer, trash bag smocks of Easter and every Christmas Horn we tore each other down after. I couldn’t ask for a better collection of bright sparks to get to call part of my posse. I love you Hughes, Taylor, George, Lizzie, Baker, Graham, & Kathleen. Whatever drum beat we march to, I like it.